The Sterniform

Recently the NBA announced that it would be implementing a dress code that players must abide by when going to and from games. Immediately certain players objected that the dress code was directed specifically at them and their Hip Hop style. The players responded by increasing their bling-multiplier up to the deadline and then kowtowing the NBA doctrine.

I don’t know whose actions are the most disturbing in this case – the NBA or the players and their association. The NBA is certainly facing an image problem with players, but instituting a dress code on 30-year-old millionaires seems to be a feeble way to address it. You have NBA players that get into fistfights with paying customers. You have a league of participants that seem to have a penchant for smoking a certain herb. And dress code or not, when most of the players don their official work clothes, you can see more tattoos that a boatload of sailors. And the colorful language is even worse. But if your dog poops on the living room carpet, it doesn’t seem like the best solution would be to spray paint the pile the same color as the sofa and hope that nobody notices. This dress code is the NBA equivalent of “spray painting the turd.”

For the players and their union, when will they even get the correlation between their behavior and their future paychecks? The National Hockey League was so out of control that they cancelled the season. Are there any leaders among the players that can think beyond the terms of their current contract? But that’s not really the issue. What I’m concerned about is not the short sightedness of the players, but rather the weakness of and lack of creativity in their response.

If they were really concerned about this dress code, then they could have come up with their own special uniform. A pink or lime green leisure suit would probably fit the code, add to that cowboy boots (with pants tucked inside, of course) and top it off with black glasses (clear, not sunglasses) a la the Hanson brothers in the movie “Slapshot.” The players could certainly get together on this (they are both few and rich) and it would become a great spectacle. When asked why they are wearing such a ridiculous getup, they could reply it was the “Sterniform” mandated by the commissioner and they are, after all, just following the rules. It would be great to see twelve players on the bench in uniform and three more injured players wearing the Sterniform. This would be absurd! Newspapers, TV, etc. would pick up on how ridiculous this is. Commissioner Stern would probably have to issue revised guidelines (pants will not be tucked into boots!) and end up looking like Commander Queeg (“Ah, but the strawberries. That’s where I had them!”) in the Caine Mutiny. And wouldn’t that have been a lot more fun?
But at the end of the day, the players yielded, even though they didn’t make the connection between their appearance the league’s future. We rarely saw the players going from their car to the arena anyway so fan didn’t notice much (or care much). And David Stern was left holding his can of spray paint.